Ironic Jean Shorts “Actually Pretty Comfortable,” Reports Aging Millennial

Columbus, OH — Laughing along with friends at his Saturday barbecue, Ben Varner, 31, says the jorts he wore today as a gag are “actually a lot cozier than you’d think.”

“Yeah, me and the guys always liked to poke fun at our dads for wearing them, so I figured I’d grab a pair for kicks and gigs!” says Varner, his phone clipped at his waist. “I kind of get the appeal, though.”

“I think he actually likes them,” says 29-year-old friend Dave Feldman. “Every time someone makes fun of the shorts, he laughs it off and then casually slips in a comment about the BOGO deal he got for them.”

Guests say his behavior all day has been consistently out-of-character. Says longtime friend Scott Mitcheson: “First of all, I thought this was a ‘let’s-get-drunk-outside’ kind of barbecue, not a ‘real’ one. Apparently he wasn’t kidding when he said to bring a dish.” Mitcheson says Varner jokingly played I Got A Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas four times before someone finally yelled at him. “Like, has he really forgotten how much we hated that song in college?”

“Yeah, that was the point! It’s like, ah! Remember this one? Great times,” Varner explains. “Although it really wasn’t that bad compared to all the garbage they listen to nowadays.”

“I should have seen this coming when he bought Nike Air Monarchs last month,” says Ben’s wife Caroline.

“These babies are com-fy!” Ben says from the grill, addressing no one specifically.

“God help us,” says Mitcheson, rubbing the bald patch on his crown.

At press time, Varner was complaining of back soreness “from lifting the other day.” Sources say he hasn’t lifted in three weeks.

Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

Bed Bath & Beyond — Detailing the numerous benefits of negative ions or whatever, a recent report from The National Science and Technology Council says that a block of salt available for purchase at local retailers can improve your health, somehow. “What we understand, if we’re getting the basic gist of it, is that this hollowed-out salt chunk from the mountains can boost air quality, your mood, and other things, apparently,” says Dan Nguyen, the lead researcher on the study. “It works by, um…”

“I don’t know, it looks nice, I guess,” reports Lara Feldman, Director of Geosciences at UCLA.

Sources say they have heard from other sources that the craggy salt clod, when warmed by its internal lightbulb, does “something” to promote emotional well-being, though they were “a little foggy” on the actual science behind it. One University of Texas undergraduate student says, “My roommate seems to like hers, I guess. I’m sorry, it’s supposed to do something?”

Read: Inside The Himalayan Salt Mines Where Lamps Are Excavated

“Yeah, it’s simple,” says her roommate. “It’s hygro — hydroscope. Hydroscobotic? Sh*t, I don’t know. I never use it.”

Others praise the lamp for, something about allergies? Says Feldman: “Does it work? Possibly. Should you throw away your inhaler? I wanna say ‘no.'”

“Look, here’s what we can say for sure,” says Nguyen. “It’s made of salt, it has a lightbulb inside, it’s from the Himalayas apparently, you plug it in… and, uh… F*ck it, who cares?”

At press time, all of the scientists interviewed had bought two, “just in case.”

God Issues Recall On Mankind

Detroit, MI — Citing numerous safety concerns and reported defects, all-powerful deity and Fluff News reader God Almighty announced a compulsory recall on all human life today. The announcement comes on the heels of roughly 40,000 years of human recklessness and cruelty.

In the official statement, a representative from the Heavens informed all of creation that currently living humans must be returned by August 31 of this year, as per God’s command.

It has come to our attention that, due to defects that were not apparent during trial periods, humans manufactured during the eras 40000 BC through AD 2018 may unexpectedly abuse, kill, maim, steal, pillage, enslave, oppress and, in rare instances, overheat to the point of spontaneous ignition. In later models released during and after 1800 AD, malfunctions resulting in pollution, deforestation, nuclear tampering and overwhelmingly bad judgment have also been reported. As these are design flaws on our part, we will replace all of mankind free of charge in order to prevent further incidents.

Immediate returns are necessary to address these hazards.

The safety and quality of God’s children are a non-negotiable priority for us, and we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Your patience and understanding is greatly appreciated as we work to correct this matter.

The statement goes on to clarify that this recall is “distinct and separate from the Rapture, which is still on schedule to take place on [redacted].”

God could not be reached for comment.

Brush Fire Miracle: Area Smoker Relieved He Left Benedict Canyon When He Did

Los Angeles, CA — Frank Hernandez doesn’t usually consider himself a lucky man. But when news broke of a brush fire spreading in the hills of Benedict Canyon, he couldn’t help but feel grateful he left the area when he did. “Crazy, I was just up there,” says the habitual smoker. “Sounds like I got out of there in the nick of time.”

Hernandez says he had coincidentally just taken a stroll through the Benedict Canyon neighborhoods earlier this afternoon. “Lots of pretty views up there. And the houses – sheesh,” he says of the area where firefighters are now racing to contain the massive blaze. “And to think, if I had stayed to finish that cigarette, I might’ve been caught in that.”

The LAFD says the cause is unknown.

As of 5 p.m. Tuesday, 75 homes had been evacuated since the first report at 2 p.m. near Portola Drive, and the blaze’s coverage was approaching 40 acres. “2 p.m.? Portola Drive?…”

“Wow. I literally just missed it,” Hernandez reports, flicking a smoldering cigarette butt into his flower bed.

Local Hero Saves Energy By Letting Someone Else Help That Guy

Manhattan, NY — David Haney is just your average American. He goes to work, comes home, cooks, cleans, and looks after his elderly mother. He’s a busy man — which is why he didn’t feel any compulsion to help that guy who was being mugged outside his apartment window Monday afternoon. “There’s other people around,” he said as he watched the assault.

The 31-year-old, who was just exhausted after chasing big clients at work all day, said he wasn’t indifferent to the victim’s plight; he was just confident that “it would get taken care of.” Sources say Haney surveyed his room for a whole twenty seconds before giving up on finding his phone. “I’m not the only guy in the world who knows how to dial 9-1-1.”

Direct intervention was also out of the question, which left Haney with no other option than to wait for someone more available to fend off the attacker. “What was I gonna do, yell out the window?” he reports, the image of a man being beaten within an inch of his life still fresh in his memory.

“I guess I just have faith in humanity.”

He was right to. Just as he was beginning to worry, another good samaritan came to Haney’s rescue, saving him from having to feel guilty. “See? He wasn’t in any real danger,” Haney said of the victim, who only sustained a broken nose, two black eyes, and a fractured rib. “Glad I didn’t get involved.”

A true hero.

At press time, David was avoiding going near the windows after making eye contact with the victim.

Yawning Puppy Successfully Quarantined

Los Angeles, CA — Local reporter and truth-teller Joe Kalavity had a scare this morning when dog and trusted Fluff News journalist Señor Fluffer began showing symptoms of sleepiness. Kalavity reports that the contagion has been successfully contained.

“I had to act fast to prevent further sleepiness as well as spread to others,” says Kalavity. “In this case, patient’s symptoms became apparent at 0800 hours during our morning walk. It was at this point that I immediately transferred him home, where he was put on isolated bedrest until further evaluation.

“At this time I can confidently report that the pupper’s sleepiness has been neutralized.”

close up of dog yawningDrowsy Puppy Syndrome is as common as it is contagious. Experts warn that it’s even communicable between species. “It’s hard to account for every case since most go unreported,” our source says. “But we believe it affects billions every year.”

In one notable breakout in 1908, one puppy’s yawn spread to over two hundred Chicagoans in a matter of hours. Historians call it “the cutest epidemic on record.”

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In addition to yawning, DPS is associated with symptoms of inactivity, lack of interest in play, stubbornness, circling in place, and involuntary nodding.

There aren’t many viable options for prevention. As stated on the CDC’s website: “What are we gonna do, tell you to not look at yawning puppies?”

When reached for comment, a representative from the CDC said, “Look, if you’re that worried about it, just drink a sh*tload of coffee.”

They added, however, that the best option is “to not fight it.”

At press time, Kalavity was showing signs of DPS. He is currently on bedrest with Señor Fluffer.

 

Meteorologists Discover Cloud Made Entirely Of E-Cig Vapor

Chatham, IL — Meteorologists were stunned Thursday when tests on a cloud crossing over Illinois revealed a chemical composition of nicotine, propylene glycol, glycerine, and artificial flavorings — the same chemicals found in e-cigarette liquid.

“Sick,” reports Weekend Meteorologist Thomas Patrick (WICS).

The cloud was identified following a series of similar reports from Illinois residents, all detailing a “sweet, metallic” aroma wafting over their cities before passing altogether. By 5 P.M. CDT, the pattern became clear: the reports were coming successively from cities in the path of a cloud traveling eastward through the Prairie State. By the time it reached Chatham, the vape cloud been singled out as the source of the smell. It had also doubled in size.

“Is that Fruit Loops?” wonders one Chatham resident.

“Nope, definitely Rice Krispies.”

It has even spawned a Twitter hashtag, #VapeCloud. Weather.com got in on the fun, tweeting: “Will keep an eye on #VapeCloud! Forecast for Effingham: Heavy vape juice showers. #VapeCloud”

“It’s definitely an unusual phenomenon,” says Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner. “But who knows? Maybe this is just the first one!”

UPDATE: As of Friday, officials have issued a Tornado Warning for Hamilton County, Ohio, as the cool vape system meets warm, humid cannabis clouds over Cincinnati. “So dope,” reports Chief Meteorologist Steve Horstmeyer (FOX19). “Could never figure out how to do that one.”