Editorial: If It’s Too Hot For You, It’s Too Hot For Me, Blah Blah Blah

By Señor Fluffer


I’ll just get this out of the way now: Joe didn’t leave me in the car, I got in on my own. I was just trying to make a point. Okay? Moving on.

As I’m sure you’re well-aware by now, we’re having a bit of a heatwave in Los Angeles. When I started writing this, it was 113°F. Hot as f*ck. Being a dog, I should probably use this platform to advocate for dogs everywhere who don’t want to cook in the back seat of a Subaru, right? Fine, sure. But I also need a new job, so can I please address that without being crucified? Great.

PSA: I need to get out of Fluff News, pronto. If anyone hears of a publication that’s hiring, please let me know. I’ll take anything. Service dog. Mailroom dog. Janitor dog. I just need to escape this job. What difference does it make if I wait until after the San Bernardino fire is put out? None. We’ll have something for the next one.

Or here, read this from three weeks ago. It’s basically what you would get if I weren’t busy updating my LinkedIn.

How bad could it be? I carry the whole operation. I edit all of the dumbass fluff pieces, I run the Twitter, I run the Facebook page, I troll for free stock photos because we’re too cheap to just buy a subscription for Getty Images. On more than one occasion, I’ve opened up one of Joe’s articles to edit, only to find that it’s just the word “fluff” right-justified on the page. So I write the whole thing for him. And you know what I get? “That’s not fluffy enough, Señor Fluffer. No one wants to hear about ISIS, Señor Fluffer. Write this bullsh*t about vegans.” I don’t even get paid  — and no, “belly rubs” aren’t an acceptable currency at the liquor store, so let’s drop the cute sh*t.

Can black-top pavement can reach 168°? Yeah. Don’t make your dog walk on it. But you know what else you shouldn’t do? Force him to scour the internet at all hours of the day for “fluffy” news (whatever that means) while you’re shoving andouille sausages down your throat at the Fourth of July party. Gross.

The truth is, I’ve been skimming job boards for months now, trying to avoid the public embarrassment of asking like this. Nevertheless, at a certain point I just have to swallow my pride. And while being left to pant it out in a parked car on a day like today is abuse, I’d almost take it over photoshopping our banner for the ninth time because “it’s a little off-center.”

If it’s too hot for you, it’s too hot for me. But for the love of God, please give me a job.

Brush Fire Miracle: Area Smoker Relieved He Left Benedict Canyon When He Did

Los Angeles, CA — Frank Hernandez doesn’t usually consider himself a lucky man. But when news broke of a brush fire spreading in the hills of Benedict Canyon, he couldn’t help but feel grateful he left the area when he did. “Crazy, I was just up there,” says the habitual smoker. “Sounds like I got out of there in the nick of time.”

Hernandez says he had coincidentally just taken a stroll through the Benedict Canyon neighborhoods earlier this afternoon. “Lots of pretty views up there. And the houses – sheesh,” he says of the area where firefighters are now racing to contain the massive blaze. “And to think, if I had stayed to finish that cigarette, I might’ve been caught in that.”

The LAFD says the cause is unknown.

As of 5 p.m. Tuesday, 75 homes had been evacuated since the first report at 2 p.m. near Portola Drive, and the blaze’s coverage was approaching 40 acres. “2 p.m.? Portola Drive?…”

“Wow. I literally just missed it,” Hernandez reports, flicking a smoldering cigarette butt into his flower bed.