So-Called “Prophet” Predicts End Of World In 5 Billion Years

Washington, D.C. — In news reminiscent of 1999's Y2K panic and 2012's doomsday craze, yet another charlatan is making headlines for "predicting" the end times. This time, our own Sun — which is 93 million miles away, mind you — will be the culprit. "Data suggest our Sun will become a red giant toward the … Continue reading So-Called “Prophet” Predicts End Of World In 5 Billion Years

Mark Zuckerberg To Hackers: Recent Password Leak Wasn’t Real, So Don’t Bother Trying Any Of Them

Silicon Valley — In a formal statement to Facebook's userbase and shareholders, Mark Zuckerberg now insists that Facebook didn't actually store millions of users' passwords in readable format, and that their early-week disclosure of the mistake was "just part of the joke." "It was a fake list! Come on, of course we wouldn't store your logins … Continue reading Mark Zuckerberg To Hackers: Recent Password Leak Wasn’t Real, So Don’t Bother Trying Any Of Them

Ironic Jean Shorts “Actually Pretty Comfortable,” Reports Aging Millennial

Columbus, OH — Laughing along with friends at his Saturday barbecue, Ben Varner, 31, says the jorts he wore today as a gag are "actually a lot cozier than you'd think." "Yeah, me and the guys always liked to poke fun at our dads for wearing them, so I figured I'd grab a pair for kicks … Continue reading Ironic Jean Shorts “Actually Pretty Comfortable,” Reports Aging Millennial

Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

Bed Bath & Beyond — Detailing the numerous benefits of negative ions or whatever, a recent report from The National Science and Technology Council says that a block of salt available for purchase at local retailers can improve your health, somehow. "What we understand, if we're getting the basic gist of it, is that this hollowed-out … Continue reading Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

God Issues Recall On Mankind

Detroit, MI — Citing numerous safety concerns and reported defects, all-powerful deity and Fluff News reader God Almighty announced a compulsory recall on all human life today. The announcement comes on the heels of roughly 40,000 years of human recklessness and cruelty. In the official statement, a representative from the Heavens informed all of creation that currently living humans … Continue reading God Issues Recall On Mankind

Brush Fire Miracle: Area Smoker Relieved He Left Benedict Canyon When He Did

Los Angeles, CA — Frank Hernandez doesn't usually consider himself a lucky man. But when news broke of a brush fire spreading in the hills of Benedict Canyon, he couldn't help but feel grateful he left the area when he did. "Crazy, I was just up there," says the habitual smoker. "Sounds like I got out … Continue reading Brush Fire Miracle: Area Smoker Relieved He Left Benedict Canyon When He Did

Local Hero Saves Energy By Letting Someone Else Help That Guy

Manhattan, NY — David Haney is just your average American. He goes to work, comes home, cooks, cleans, and looks after his elderly mother. He's a busy man — which is why he didn't feel any compulsion to help that guy who was being mugged outside his apartment window Monday afternoon. "There's other people around," … Continue reading Local Hero Saves Energy By Letting Someone Else Help That Guy