San Francisco, CA — The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse announced this week that they are stepping into the ridesharing arena with Uber and Lyft, offering what they describe as a “unique blend of digital ride-hailing, horseback recreation and Holy Retribution.” As of Tuesday, anyone with a smartphone in the Bay area can download NEIGH, request a ride, and one of four riders will come pick them up.
“One thing we noticed as we began razing cities is what we call ‘the panic problem.’ There was a large section of consumers who needed to escape our wrath, but were unable to find immediate transportation,” explained Conquest via email. “We saw this gap in the market as an opportunity to provide a convenient means of transit for all of God’s creatures until their ultimate Judgment.”
The app rollout has broken first-day download records for both the Apple Store and Google Play. The large majority of downloaders, however, will have to wait until NEIGH goes live in their city, at which point the app’s founders will arrive and reduce everything in their path to ash and rubble. So far beta users have been pleased with the service.
“I usually have to wait like FOUR HOURS for uber or lyft to get me from the bar. This mfn green horse came and picked up my drunk ass real quick lmao,” reads one review. “Weird vibes from the driver tho.”
“As Yom HaDin unfolds around us, we’re poised to step into the market as a safe, reliable and affordable form of transportation through the total hellscape that will envelop the Earth in our wake,” said War at the company’s official launch.
The ominous harbingers of Armageddon-gone-Silicon Valley tech bros say their startup was only made possible by the generosity of famed angel investor Gabriel, who has said that the $50M investment was “just a drop in the bucket” of the revenue that can be reaped by the service. “I really believe in these guys. The business acumen they’ve shown is inspiring as hell, and it reminds me why I do this,” says the divine being, who, in addition to foretelling the end of days, predicts a spectacular first quarter.
“We’re so excited to share this service with the world,” says Famine. “And then wreak absolute desolation upon it.”
At press time, the Horsemen were working on a ‘tip’ feature, because “who has the balls to not tip on Judgment Day?”