God Issues Recall On Mankind

Detroit, MI — Citing numerous safety concerns and reported defects, all-powerful deity and Fluff News reader God Almighty announced a compulsory recall on all human life today. The announcement comes on the heels of roughly 40,000 years of human recklessness and cruelty.

In the official statement, a representative from the Heavens informed all of creation that currently living humans must be returned by August 31 of this year, as per God’s command.

It has come to our attention that, due to defects that were not apparent during trial periods, humans manufactured during the eras 40000 BC through AD 2018 may unexpectedly abuse, kill, maim, steal, pillage, enslave, oppress and, in rare instances, overheat to the point of spontaneous ignition. In later models released during and after 1800 AD, malfunctions resulting in pollution, deforestation, nuclear tampering and overwhelmingly bad judgment have also been reported. As these are design flaws on our part, we will replace all of mankind free of charge in order to prevent further incidents.

Immediate returns are necessary to address these hazards.

The safety and quality of God’s children are a non-negotiable priority for us, and we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. Your patience and understanding is greatly appreciated as we work to correct this matter.

The statement goes on to clarify that this recall is “distinct and separate from the Rapture, which is still on schedule to take place on [redacted].”

God could not be reached for comment.

Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Announce New Ridesharing Service

San Francisco, CA — The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse announced this week that they are stepping into the ridesharing arena with Uber and Lyft, offering what they describe as a “unique blend of digital ride-hailing, horseback recreation and Holy Retribution.” As of Tuesday, anyone with a smartphone in the Bay area can download NEIGH, request a ride, and one of four riders will come pick them up.

“One thing we noticed as we began razing cities is what we call ‘the panic problem.’ There was a large section of consumers who needed to escape our wrath, but were unable to find immediate transportation,” explained Conquest via email. “We saw this gap in the market as an opportunity to provide a convenient means of transit for all of God’s creatures until their ultimate Judgment.”

The app rollout has broken first-day download records for both the Apple Store and Google Play. The large majority of downloaders, however, will have to wait until NEIGH goes live in their city, at which point the app’s founders will arrive and reduce everything in their path to ash and rubble. So far beta users have been pleased with the service.

“I usually have to wait like FOUR HOURS for uber or lyft to get me from the bar. This mfn green horse came and picked up my drunk ass real quick lmao,” reads one review. “Weird vibes from the driver tho.”

“As Yom HaDin unfolds around us, we’re poised to step into the market as a safe, reliable and affordable form of transportation through the total hellscape that will envelop the Earth in our wake,” said War at the company’s official launch.

The ominous harbingers of Armageddon-gone-Silicon Valley tech bros say their startup was only made possible by the generosity of famed angel investor Gabriel, who has said that the $50M investment was “just a drop in the bucket” of the revenue that can be reaped by the service. “I really believe in these guys. The business acumen they’ve shown is inspiring as hell, and it reminds me why I do this,” says the divine being, who, in addition to foretelling the end of days, predicts a spectacular first quarter.

“We’re so excited to share this service with the world,” says Famine. “And then wreak absolute desolation upon it.”

At press time, the Horsemen were working on a ‘tip’ feature, because “who has the balls to not tip on Judgment Day?”