Pillow Talkin’ with P@: Volume 1

Welcome to the first installment of Pillow Talkin’ with P@, where Fluff News Senior Dating and Relationships Expert Pat Ralston indulges your deepest curiosities about love, dating, and all the fluff in between. If you would like your anonymous question to be featured in the next Pillow Talk, drop us a line at senorfluffer@gmail.com.


“Dear P@,

Mi novio y yo hemos estado saliendo por tres meses. Las cosas iban bien, pero recientemente no ha sido igual.

La primera vez que me dijo que nunca lo dejara comer después de la medianoche, por supuesto que era una bandera roja. Pero, por lo demás, era muy amable, así que decidí darle una oportunidad. Hasta hace poco, ni siquiera era un problema. Las cosas iban realmente bien, y es por eso que nos mudamos juntos. Pero últimamente, el trabajo ha sido estresante para él. Cada vez más a menudo, sale a beber con amigos y no regresa a casa hasta temprano en la mañana. No tengo idea de a dónde va. Cuando llega a casa, está loco y fuera de control, incluso destructivo. Una persona diferente por completo. Ni siquiera lo reconozco más.

Lo amo, pero no puedo vivir así. ¿Que debería hacer?

— Maria”

 

Dear Maria,

I’m not sure exactly what you’ve said as I’m only able to read English. I do all of these on a typewriter in my remote love shack in the Rockies so I can’t really Google translate… but I’ve had a few sea breezes so let’s take a crack at it.

Wow. Thank you so much for making yourself so vulnerable and asking about such a personal problem that frankly not enough people are talking about. With something like this, you just have to be true to yourself, Maria. If you aren’t true with yourself, the world won’t be true with you. This could take about 10 years of meditating and rigorous personal adjustments but you’re strong Maria. Don’t let life keep you down, you gotta just get right back on the saddle and ride that pony into the sunset.

With love,

P@


“Dear P@,

Creo que estoy enamorada de mi terapeuta matrimonial. Se supone que esta mujer salvará mi matrimonio, ¡pero no puedo sacarla de mi cabeza! No me atrevería a decírselo a mi esposa, especialmente porque esta es la tercera vez que esto sucede. Encontrar otro terapeuta está fuera de discusión. ¿Que debería hacer?

Sí, tengo algo para los terapeutas. No me avergüences.

—Problemas en el paraiso”

 

Dear Problemas en el paraiso,

Hm. Another one like this. Joe, I literally do not have access to a computer.

My gosh, what a dilemma you’re dealing with there. Search your heart for emotional support but don’t forget that your brains are your best ally. It won’t hurt to step back and take a look at this from another angle. What that angle is, I have no idea — again, I don’t speak Spanish. Life’s many surprises can come in many different shapes and sizes so hop into their shoes and take a stroll.

You’ll find your true self soon enough. Live your truth and don’t forget to restock the vodka.

Much love,

P@


“Dear P@,

Kiki, ¿me amas? ¿Estás montando? Digamos que nunca saldrás de mi lado. Porque te quiero y te necesito. Y estoy triste por ti siempre. KB, ¿me amas? ¿Estás montando. Digamos que nunca saldrás de mi lado. Porque te quiero y te necesito. Y estoy triste por ti siempre. Kiki, ¿me amas?

— Papi”

 

Dear Papi,

So I guess they’re all going to be like this. I should’ve brought way more liquor. This is a real toughie. I think? A lot of question marks, that’s for sure. Do they? Don’t they? Ask yourself what you want from them and see if you’re happy with the answer. Once you’re happy with your own answers, then, I don’t know. I have no idea where I’m going with this.

I’m pretty sure these are just Drake lyrics. His words transcend language.

Love and more love,

P@


“Dear P@:

Muchas gracias por tomarse el tiempo para solicitar el puesto de Barista en Starbucks.

Si bien a nuestro equipo le impresionaron sus antecedentes y experiencia, hemos llegado a la conclusión de que las calificaciones de otro candidato se ajustan más a nuestras necesidades y, lamentablemente, no avanzaremos con su solicitud para este puesto.

Tenga la seguridad de que su currículum permanecerá en nuestro sistema y que aún se están considerando los puestos adicionales a los que haya aplicado. ¡Le deseamos la mejor de las suertes con su búsqueda de empleo!

Gracias de nuevo por su continuo interés en Starbucks.

— El equipo de reclutamiento de Starbucks”

 

Sup El equipo de reclutamiento de Starbucks,

Okay I got this one in the bag. You just gotta stop doing anything with Starbucks and go all in on the Tim Hortons Train. Timmy Ho’s has doughnuts in so many varieties. You want a donut full of cream and covered in chocolate? Or you just want the tiny balls of doughnutty goodness, You got it. With a smile. At any hour! They’re 24 hours, way better than the “only open in the daytime” Starbutts. Don’t get me started on the food. Starbies aint got nothing on my Bacon Egg and Che bagel. That’s been keeping me going for years. Got damn, I am spinning right now.

Uh but yeah Real-ationships start with heart, and then you gotta add the Egg and Che. Ya get me?

That one might not have made sense but it did make me hungry. Which is bad cause I don’t have gps and I am in no condition to drive rn. But for you, it’s time to just talk to them and let them know

That you’re done with starbucks

Love from all my heart,

P@

Director of 2018 Film ‘First Man’: “We Faked The Moon Landing”

ct-damien-chazelle-interview-mov-1209-20161207Hi, I’m American film director Damien Chazelle.

As my career has blossomed over the past few years, I’ve made my mark as the creative vision behind critically acclaimed films La La Land and Whiplash. But it is my most recent film, the true account of the Apollo 11 mission which saw Neil Armstrong’s first steps on the Moon, that I wish to address today.

First Man has been widely praised for its accurate depiction of the historical moment that inspired it, and I will be forever grateful to have had the privilege of sharing this film with the world. Sadly, some of that praise was unearned, and it’s time for me to come clean. I can’t bear to keep this secret any longer. It is with great regret that I inform my fans: the Moon landing depicted in First Man was 100 percent staged.

This may not come as news to some, who have for months been categorically dismissed as tinfoil-hat nut jobs. These eagle-eyed moviegoers recognized the hoax almost immediately — I am still amazed by the cunning of those who noticed the Moon’s absence in the location credits. To these fans I offer my deepest apologies. I have stood quietly by while others mocked and ostracized you, all to avoid admitting my own deceit.

Now, there have been many other rumors circulating about the film since its release. Thus far, I’ve chosen to ignore the majority of them — but in the spirit of transparency, I will dispel a few now.

No, Ryan Gosling did not eat toothpaste for six months prior to filming to “prepare,” nor did Corey Stoll.

No, there were no secret deleted scenes involving a scrapped relationship subplot between Buzz Aldrin and a Martian (though the idea was floated in early drafts of the script).

And no, the fact that the movie syncs so perfectly with ABBA’s album Ring Ring was not intentional. But let me be clear: the Moon scenes in First Man were not filmed on location. They were shot in a very intricately-designed soundstage at Universal Studios. My heart is heavy with remorse.

I understand this revelation will not sit well with many, nor should it. I accept whatever consequences await me for my actions. But please, do not be upset with Ryan or Corey. They didn’t know. In our shameless attempt at “authenticity,” we misled them into believing that they would actually be acting on the Moon. We broke the news to them last night that this was indeed not the case. For now, I only ask that you respect their privacy while they process the fact that they were sedated, placed in the “spaceship” by our crew, and told that they had passed out as we entered the Earth’s atmosphere. They deserve better. You deserve better.

I’m a fraud, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I only wish for the truth to be known. And the truth is, we lied to you. First Man was filmed on Earth.

Ironic Jean Shorts “Actually Pretty Comfortable,” Reports Aging Millennial

Columbus, OH — Laughing along with friends at his Saturday barbecue, Ben Varner, 31, says the jorts he wore today as a gag are “actually a lot cozier than you’d think.”

“Yeah, me and the guys always liked to poke fun at our dads for wearing them, so I figured I’d grab a pair for kicks and gigs!” says Varner, his phone clipped at his waist. “I kind of get the appeal, though.”

“I think he actually likes them,” says 29-year-old friend Dave Feldman. “Every time someone makes fun of the shorts, he laughs it off and then casually slips in a comment about the BOGO deal he got for them.”

Guests say his behavior all day has been consistently out-of-character. Says longtime friend Scott Mitcheson: “First of all, I thought this was a ‘let’s-get-drunk-outside’ kind of barbecue, not a ‘real’ one. Apparently he wasn’t kidding when he said to bring a dish.” Mitcheson says Varner jokingly played I Got A Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas four times before someone finally yelled at him. “Like, has he really forgotten how much we hated that song in college?”

“Yeah, that was the point! It’s like, ah! Remember this one? Great times,” Varner explains. “Although it really wasn’t that bad compared to all the garbage they listen to nowadays.”

“I should have seen this coming when he bought Nike Air Monarchs last month,” says Ben’s wife Caroline.

“These babies are com-fy!” Ben says from the grill, addressing no one specifically.

“God help us,” says Mitcheson, rubbing the bald patch on his crown.

At press time, Varner was complaining of back soreness “from lifting the other day.” Sources say he hasn’t lifted in three weeks.

Greener Grass: Los Angeles Man Learns To Accept Balding Yard

Los Angeles, CA — If getting older has taught Mitch Pickering anything, it’s that you can’t hold onto the past. “I was just spending all this money on a losing battle.” After years of fighting that battle, he’s finally ready to allow nature to take its course. His yard is going bald — but that’s okay!

“My dad’s yard was bald and I was always afraid it would happen to me too. So imagine how I felt when I first noticed it was thinning out a few years ago,” says Mitch. “There it was, my worst nightmare!” He got in the car and drove straight to Lowe’s to buy fertilizer, the first trip in what would become a ritual. He’d spend the next few summers in the yard, watering, weeding, and yes, fertilizing, in order to maintain the thick yard of grass he was used to.

“He was obsessed,” says Mitch’s wife, Claire. “I kept telling him it didn’t look that bad, but he wouldn’t listen.”

Despite his efforts, the grass continued to recede steadily, year by year. “I really panicked when my neighbor pointed out the bald patch in my backyard. I was so embarrassed!” He hit that spot especially hard with fertilizer. When that failed, he resorted to something he had always made fun of others for: sod.

“It was so obvious,” says Mitch and Claire’s neighbor, Pat Benson. “Was I really supposed to believe it just disappeared overnight?”

Weekly fertilizer purchases and climbing water bills began to take their toll on the Pickerings’ bank account. Before California’s drought was declared ‘over,’ they faced heavy fines on top of the regular expenses. “At a certain point, I had to be honest with myself. Is all this cosmetic work really worth it?”

Then he had an epiphany. “When I finally stopped focusing on my own lawn, I was able to look around and see that mostly everybody had browning grass, if not completely bare lawns.” He realized there was really nothing to be ashamed of.

Embracing the baldness, Mitch now sports a proudly barren yard. He and Claire have been much happier for it. “I actually think it’s kind of sexy,” says Claire, scratching the dirt playfully.

“Droughts, air pollution, wildfires — there will always be something I want to change about where I live, especially as all that becomes more prevalent,” he says.

“But if I can learn to accept it, it’ll all be much easier to deal with.”

 

Man Who Doesn’t Like Chocolate May Hold Genetic Key To Not Being Disgusting Hog

Seattle, WA — There is nothing immediately striking about Alex Tapper. A 32-year-old sales associate at Office Depot, he’s a slight man with a growing bald patch on his crown. He likes movies, hard cider, the occasional visit to Best Buy (“I just like to see what they have”), and his wardrobe is comprised almost entirely of short sleeve button-downs and thrift store neckties. He seems content to coast through life, invisible to everyone he passes. But don’t be fooled. Alex is special.

He doesn’t like chocolate. Geneticists want to know why.

“He’s a superior human.”

“Yeah, I don’t like chocolate. Not that big of a deal,” says the spectacular marvel of hominid evolution over lunch at Dicey’s Café. While I stuff my face with chocolate-hazelnut creme pie, he sips black coffee, perfectly satisfied with the meal that came before. Since learning of Alex’s unique trait from his food review blog on WordPress, top minds in genetic research have been relentlessly pursuing him.

“Mr. Tapper may carry a human variant of the NCHO3 gene, which thus far has only been observed in cetaceans, such as dolphins and whales,” explains Dr. Andre Lowell, Professor of Molecular Biology at Cambridge University. Many in the scientific community, Lowell included, believe NCHO3 is the reason for cocoa’s absence from the cetacean diet. “With the proper funding — and Mr. Tapper’s cooperation — we could effectively put an end to chocolate cravings, so that future generations never have to feel like unrestrained fatasses anytime a coworker brings brownies to the office.”

Such a pitch would move anyone else to cooperate with the research. So why won’t Alex? “At first I was just busy, and it kind of sounded like BS anyway,” he says, the untainted crevices between his exposed teeth evoking the sense one is capturing but a small glimpse of mankind’s future. But what came after that rejection only embittered him their cause. “They started calling at all hours of the day, following me around — I even caught them rooting through my trash a couple times. It’s really upsetting, and just creepy.”

Despite his frustration, Dr. Lowell understands the conundrum. “He has no idea what the rest of us troglodytes deal with at the grocery store, where footlong kielbasas of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough can be purchased for just three dollars each. It’s a testament to what could be.”

SHAMELESS

Alex’s phone lights up and begins to rumble the tabletop. Unknown caller. He palms his eyes in exasperation.

“I respect his time and autonomy, but there are children right now who are building habits they will come to despise as they age. I’m talking ‘fingers in the Nutella jar’ levels of shame,” says Dr. Lowell. “He will give in eventually.”

“I thought if I ignored them long enough they would give up.” Alex stares into his empty coffee mug, perhaps reconsidering his selfish decision to withhold the next milestone in man’s journey toward perfection. “Maybe if I just send in a spit sample or something, that would get them to leave me alone.”

“Our study would be drawn-out and comprehensive,” Lowell reassures me. “If we have to rule NCHO3 out, countless more strands of DNA must be analyzed in order to determine what exactly allows Mr. Tapper the discipline to not gorge himself on M&M’s at the Christmas party that one year when I got really drunk on chocolate liqueur. It is imperative that we don’t miss anything.”

And if their study doesn’t produce the breakthrough they’re looking for? “That’s highly improbable,” says Dr. Lowell. But there’s only one way to know for sure. “All we can do is turn this man’s life inside-out and scrutinize his genes long past his breaking point. Only then can we find his source of dignity.”

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Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

Bed Bath & Beyond — Detailing the numerous benefits of negative ions or whatever, a recent report from The National Science and Technology Council says that a block of salt available for purchase at local retailers can improve your health, somehow. “What we understand, if we’re getting the basic gist of it, is that this hollowed-out salt chunk from the mountains can boost air quality, your mood, and other things, apparently,” says Dan Nguyen, the lead researcher on the study. “It works by, um…”

“I don’t know, it looks nice, I guess,” reports Lara Feldman, Director of Geosciences at UCLA.

Sources say they have heard from other sources that the craggy salt clod, when warmed by its internal lightbulb, does “something” to promote emotional well-being, though they were “a little foggy” on the actual science behind it. One University of Texas undergraduate student says, “My roommate seems to like hers, I guess. I’m sorry, it’s supposed to do something?”

Read: Inside The Himalayan Salt Mines Where Lamps Are Excavated

“Yeah, it’s simple,” says her roommate. “It’s hygro — hydroscope. Hydroscobotic? Sh*t, I don’t know. I never use it.”

Others praise the lamp for, something about allergies? Says Feldman: “Does it work? Possibly. Should you throw away your inhaler? I wanna say ‘no.'”

“Look, here’s what we can say for sure,” says Nguyen. “It’s made of salt, it has a lightbulb inside, it’s from the Himalayas apparently, you plug it in… and, uh… F*ck it, who cares?”

At press time, all of the scientists interviewed had bought two, “just in case.”