Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Announce New Ridesharing Service

San Francisco, CA — The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse announced this week that they are stepping into the ridesharing arena with Uber and Lyft, offering what they describe as a “unique blend of digital ride-hailing, horseback recreation and Holy Retribution.” As of Tuesday, anyone with a smartphone in the Bay area can download NEIGH, request a ride, and one of four riders will come pick them up.

“One thing we noticed as we began razing cities is what we call ‘the panic problem.’ There was a large section of consumers who needed to escape our wrath, but were unable to find immediate transportation,” explained Conquest via email. “We saw this gap in the market as an opportunity to provide a convenient means of transit for all of God’s creatures until their ultimate Judgment.”

The app rollout has broken first-day download records for both the Apple Store and Google Play. The large majority of downloaders, however, will have to wait until NEIGH goes live in their city, at which point the app’s founders will arrive and reduce everything in their path to ash and rubble. So far beta users have been pleased with the service.

“I usually have to wait like FOUR HOURS for uber or lyft to get me from the bar. This mfn green horse came and picked up my drunk ass real quick lmao,” reads one review. “Weird vibes from the driver tho.”

“As Yom HaDin unfolds around us, we’re poised to step into the market as a safe, reliable and affordable form of transportation through the total hellscape that will envelop the Earth in our wake,” said War at the company’s official launch.

The ominous harbingers of Armageddon-gone-Silicon Valley tech bros say their startup was only made possible by the generosity of famed angel investor Gabriel, who has said that the $50M investment was “just a drop in the bucket” of the revenue that can be reaped by the service. “I really believe in these guys. The business acumen they’ve shown is inspiring as hell, and it reminds me why I do this,” says the divine being, who, in addition to foretelling the end of days, predicts a spectacular first quarter.

“We’re so excited to share this service with the world,” says Famine. “And then wreak absolute desolation upon it.”

At press time, the Horsemen were working on a ‘tip’ feature, because “who has the balls to not tip on Judgment Day?”

Nation’s Conspiracy Theorists Mourn Recent Death of Elvis Presley

Memphis, TN – It’s a warm, quiet afternoon at Graceland. The Sun sets on a somber gathering of Elvis Presley conspiracy theorists, who, when the daylight fades, begin their planned candlelight vigil while humming a slowed-down rendition of The King’s rock ‘n’ roll hit, “Hound Dog.” The men remove their tinfoil out of respect for their beloved idol. Elvis Presley has passed away by now, probably.

Elvis truthers of all ages, backgrounds and degrees of misguided paranoia have joined tonight at Elvis’ false gravesite to commemorate the almost-certainly-now-deceased musician. Even a few Elvis impersonators have made appearances, provoking double-takes everywhere they go.

“He was a legend,” says Lynn Davis, a fan who traveled from Arkansas to pay her respects. “From Jailhouse Rock all the way up through his so-called ‘posthumous releases.’” She looks at the 1977 date of death on the grave marker and scoffs sadly.

Nearby, a mother sits on a blanket with her children and a scrapbook, showing them blurry photos of Elvis in his later years. Behind them, a Tennessee man sharing the story of his encounter with the famous performer: “Chick-Fil-A, man, swear to Christ. Think what you want, I’m not f***ing crazy.”

The evening has come together quite well, despite concerns that the gathering was organized a bit late. Mark Burell, the creator of the Facebook event that brought everyone together, shrugs this off. “We did what we could. While most of us are pretty sure he died around last November, a few are saying it was definitely early-to-late August,” says Burell. “But we all agree that he has to be dead by now.

“I mean, the man was 83. Have you heard the kinds of things he ate?” Some even think drugs may have been involved. “I honestly can’t believe he made it as long as he did.”

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Elvis out for a walk – October 2014, for sure

There are still skeptics. A closed Facebook group was formed in response to Mark’s event, with members claiming that Elvis has faked his death a second time, and that the pop culture icon is still alive and well. Mark dismisses these people as “whack-jobs.”

As the evening draws to a close, the truthers pack up their things and quietly disperse. Mark is peaceful. “We didn’t come to grieve; we came to celebrate The King’s accomplished and mostly hidden life, which, after his government-engineered death in ’77, was kept out of the public eye so he could continue his work with the DEA in private. And that’s just what we did.”

The perfect sendoff for a legend.

At press time, Mark was planning similar events for Jimi Hendrix and Tupac Shakur, “since these things usually happen in threes.”