Columbus, OH — Laughing along with friends at his Saturday barbecue, Ben Varner, 31, says the jorts he wore today as a gag are “actually a lot cozier than you’d think.”
“Yeah, me and the guys always liked to poke fun at our dads for wearing them, so I figured I’d grab a pair for kicks and gigs!” says Varner, his phone clipped at his waist. “I kind of get the appeal, though.”
“I think he actually likes them,” says 29-year-old friend Dave Feldman. “Every time someone makes fun of the shorts, he laughs it off and then casually slips in a comment about the BOGO deal he got for them.”
Guests say his behavior all day has been consistently out-of-character. Says longtime friend Scott Mitcheson: “First of all, I thought this was a ‘let’s-get-drunk-outside’ kind of barbecue, not a ‘real’ one. Apparently he wasn’t kidding when he said to bring a dish.” Mitcheson says Varner jokingly played I Got A Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas four times before someone finally yelled at him. “Like, has he really forgotten how much we hated that song in college?”
“Yeah, that was the point! It’s like, ah! Remember this one? Great times,” Varner explains. “Although it really wasn’t that bad compared to all the garbage they listen to nowadays.”
“I should have seen this coming when he bought Nike Air Monarchs last month,” says Ben’s wife Caroline.
“These babies are com-fy!” Ben says from the grill, addressing no one specifically.
“God help us,” says Mitcheson, rubbing the bald patch on his crown.
At press time, Varner was complaining of back soreness “from lifting the other day.” Sources say he hasn’t lifted in three weeks.