Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

Bed Bath & Beyond — Detailing the numerous benefits of negative ions or whatever, a recent report from The National Science and Technology Council says that a block of salt available for purchase at local retailers can improve your health, somehow. “What we understand, if we’re getting the basic gist of it, is that this hollowed-out salt chunk from the mountains can boost air quality, your mood, and other things, apparently,” says Dan Nguyen, the lead researcher on the study. “It works by, um…”

“I don’t know, it looks nice, I guess,” reports Lara Feldman, Director of Geosciences at UCLA.

Sources say they have heard from other sources that the craggy salt clod, when warmed by its internal lightbulb, does “something” to promote emotional well-being, though they were “a little foggy” on the actual science behind it. One University of Texas undergraduate student says, “My roommate seems to like hers, I guess. I’m sorry, it’s supposed to do something?”

Read: Inside The Himalayan Salt Mines Where Lamps Are Excavated

“Yeah, it’s simple,” says her roommate. “It’s hygro — hydroscope. Hydroscobotic? Sh*t, I don’t know. I never use it.”

Others praise the lamp for, something about allergies? Says Feldman: “Does it work? Possibly. Should you throw away your inhaler? I wanna say ‘no.'”

“Look, here’s what we can say for sure,” says Nguyen. “It’s made of salt, it has a lightbulb inside, it’s from the Himalayas apparently, you plug it in… and, uh… F*ck it, who cares?”

At press time, all of the scientists interviewed had bought two, “just in case.”