Cargo Ship Wrecks And Spills Dish Soap In Bay, Wildlife Benefits From Three Times More Grease-Fighting Power

Pensacola, FL — A detergent spill from a sunken cargo ship is rapidly spreading, and authorities report that the local wildlife has never been cleaner. Witnesses watched in awe Monday night as a cruise liner broadsided a freighter filled with dish soap in the Pensacola Bay, destroying the latter vessel and spilling its contents. Over thirty … Continue reading Cargo Ship Wrecks And Spills Dish Soap In Bay, Wildlife Benefits From Three Times More Grease-Fighting Power

Burger Chain Assures Customers That Use Of The Word ‘Phresh’ In Slogan Is No Cause For Concern

Portland, OR — Portland-based food chain George's Burger Joint issued an official statement today reassuring customers that the ingredients they use are "basically the same" despite their new slogan, "Nothing but Phresh Beef." The statement, penned by CEO Felix Gunderson, reads: "In light of growing concerns over the quality of our ingredients, we at George's … Continue reading Burger Chain Assures Customers That Use Of The Word ‘Phresh’ In Slogan Is No Cause For Concern

Intoxicated Vegan Orders Wellness Shots For Entire Juice Bar

Venice, CA — After a day of heavy drinking, reports say area vegan Lana Tripoli ordered a round of wellness shots for a crowd of twenty Juicecrafters patrons as they waited in line, making everyone's day. "She just stumbled in at 4:30 in the afternoon with a 6-pack of Angry Orchards, cut the line and … Continue reading Intoxicated Vegan Orders Wellness Shots For Entire Juice Bar

Pro-Bese: Chris “Fat Chris” Williams On His Bestselling Book and New Outlook On Life

Minneapolis, MN — "What is overweight, anyway?" muses Chris Williams, affectionately known to friends and colleagues as Fat Chris. "What weight am I over?" We're at a Baskin Robbins off West Fifth downtown. He ordered a large Banana Royale, twice. This is actually our second stop, our first being at the Five Guys around the … Continue reading Pro-Bese: Chris “Fat Chris” Williams On His Bestselling Book and New Outlook On Life

Cochlear Implant Patient: “I’m Ready To Be Deaf Again”

Brooklyn, NY — Doctors told her parents she would never be able to hear. At age 27, she proved the doctors wrong. Now, at the age of 28, Ruth Larson is ready to go back to being deaf. "This is it? This is what I've been missing? S***, just take them out," Ruth signs. Ruth … Continue reading Cochlear Implant Patient: “I’m Ready To Be Deaf Again”

Fifth Grader Accidentally Discovers Ancient Texts Buried In Internet Forum

Fort Benton, MT — Ten-year-old Bryce Poulson made a big discovery last October, and it’s shaking things up in the archaeology world. He first sensed something was different about the Batman fan forum he was browsing when he saw a yellow character with arms and legs dancing in one of the comments. It’s certainly not … Continue reading Fifth Grader Accidentally Discovers Ancient Texts Buried In Internet Forum

Local Twin Enjoys Unusually Fair Treatment As Mother Mistakes Him For Her Favorite

Lexington — Once again mistaking Jeremy for his identical brother, stay-at-home Mom Betsy Wittleton granted him an unusually lenient bed time this week. "Either she’s easing up on me, or she thinks I’m Jesse," says 7-year-old Jeremy Wittleton, who is usually subject to the unfair treatment his brother is receiving. "I’m just gonna ride this out." … Continue reading Local Twin Enjoys Unusually Fair Treatment As Mother Mistakes Him For Her Favorite