Intoxicated Vegan Orders Wellness Shots For Entire Juice Bar

Venice, CA — After a day of heavy drinking, reports say area vegan Lana Tripoli ordered a round of wellness shots for a crowd of twenty Juicecrafters patrons as they waited in line, making everyone’s day.

“She just stumbled in at 4:30 in the afternoon with a 6-pack of Angry Orchards, cut the line and yelled, ‘Wellness shots on me, bitches!'” reports Alex Reiner, the cashier who took her order. “She slammed her credit card down on the counter and everybody started cheering.”

“It was nuts, dude. She was up on the tables knocking back fusion blends like it was nothing, bro! You shoulda been there!” says Jonah Frye, who stopped into the café on a juice shuffle.

His friend Derek adds, “Trev is gonna have hella FOMO, dude. He’s fasting though so it’s cool.”

Juicecrafters employee Shawna Pierce says she wasn’t thrilled with Tripoli’s behavior, but allowed her to stay anyway. “She was being way extra. But then everybody was tipping us really well so, whatever.”

“We did have to yell at her when she reached over the counter and grabbed our hemp seeds. Started crushing them up with a razor, I was like nah,” says Reiner.

Reports say Tripoli was finally ushered out after trying to pick a fight with a vegetarian.

As of press time, Tripoli is passed out on the Venice boardwalk and covered in açaí, so someone should probably come get her.

Pro-Bese: Chris “Fat Chris” Williams On His Bestselling Book and New Outlook On Life

Minneapolis, MN — “What is overweight, anyway?” muses Chris Williams, affectionately known to friends and colleagues as Fat Chris. “What weight am I over?”

We’re at a Baskin Robbins off West Fifth downtown. He ordered a large Banana Royale, twice. This is actually our second stop, our first being at the Five Guys around the corner. “I normally don’t do two in one day*, but it’s a special occasion,” he says.

He does have cause to celebrate: His new self-help book, “Servings Per? More Like Servings Par! My Story of Self-Love” just made the New York Times Bestseller list.

Read his candid interview below, which covers everything from family and fame to his unbelievably good health.

*Note: before publishing this interview, we spoke with Chris’ wife, who disputed several of her husband’s responses. Each instance of dispute is marked with an asterisk.


How are you today?

Feeling great, as always!

How does a typical day start for you, Chris?

I wake up, eat breakfast, and get to work, just like everyone else.

Now, when you say breakfast…

My usual is a* pack of bacon, a* pan of hash browns, two* or four* eggs, and a* Sprite. Ask me what I weigh.

What do you weigh?

Four-sixty and climbing. I know, I don’t look it*!

What’s the response been like for your book?

Overall, very positive. I love hearing from my fans. A lot of them are saying my message is really working for them.

And what is that message?

Do what you been doing.

Very cool. So what inspired the title of your book?

I want to challenge the status quo. Not just saying, “eat what you want,” but looking directly at what “doctors” recommend, and saying, “You know what? I’m gonna do the exact opposite.”

So one of the big things with the book is this theme of servings per container – you know, that BS. I challenge my readers to always be under par. Whatever arbitrary number the FDA chose to put as the servings per container, do it in less. If a package of double-stuf Oreos says sixteen servings per container, beat it. I can do it in two.

And what do you hope this will accomplish?

Two things. One, my readers will live more authentically by not listening to the haters.

And two, it will send a message to the elitists at the FDA that we’re sick of their lies.

Lies?

Take serving sizes. If I eat a handful of Ruffles, the FDA would tell me I’m done, right? But I still want more, so obviously I’m not done, right? Common sense.

I think those are just recommendations.

Sure, just like how my wife “recommends” I sleep with a CPAP.

I’m sorry?

This is how I was raised. I eat what I want, when I want it. I should change that just because the FDA changes their standards of what’s acceptable every year?

Do they actually —

Is it a pyramid or a pie? Pick one.

I’m not sure I follow but let’s talk about your past, because you mention it in the book…

Sure, without giving too much away; growing up, I dealt with a lot of self-confidence issues, bullies picking on me for my weight, all that. Eventually I got to the point where I could just be me and not worry about what others think of me, y’know?

What tipped the scale for you?

Is that a pun?

No, I —

It’s okay, I’m not ashamed.

No, but —

Just say it.

What?

Call me gravy fingers. Do it.

Uhh —

I want you to do it.

Chris, I’m not —

Fat Chris.

Fine. Fat Chris, I wasn’t making a joke. I was just asking —

I used to look like you, you know.

Okay?

Different priorities.

….

….

You’ve spoken at a few colleges about your book. I understand there’s been some backlash?

No more than I expected. People don’t like when you flip their worldview upside down. They’re told their whole life, don’t eat this, don’t eat that. I come in and I say, “Look, there’s nothing to be afraid of.” Sure, I’m big, but that’s the worst of it***.

Your family when I spoke to them said you’re diabetic. So you don’t, in fact, suffer from diabetes?

Suffer? In what world is a condition that requires you eat a Snickers every time you get a little light-headed considered “suffering?”

Moving right along, you’ve said your wife — Are you okay?

(labored breathing)

Chris?

(nods)

You sure? Can I get you anything?

….

….

Okay.

You alright?

Yeah, I’m fine. Air pressure in here, is…

….

Your wife seems less than supportive of your decision to stay heavy. Would you say she disagrees with the arguments you make in your book?

She’s the same as the college kids, stuck in her worldview, always searching for bias confirmation. I tell her all the time, “I’m fine.” Like, I think I could tell if I had a bedsore.

She thinks you have a bedsore?

It’s a muscle spasm*. I don’t pay it any mind; my focus is on inspiring others to make a positive change in their mindset. I’m helping people*************************.

Now that this book is out, are you working on anything else?

This thirty rack! (smacks belly)

Nice.

(bursts into tears)


Servings Per? More Like Servings Par! is now available in bookstores and on Kindle.

Former Cochlear Implant Patient: “I’m Ready To Be Deaf Again”

Brooklyn, NY — Doctors told her parents she would never be able to hear. At age 27, she proved the doctors wrong. Now, at the age of 28, Ruth Larson is ready to go back to being deaf.

“This is it? This is what I’ve been missing? S***, just take them out,” Ruth signs. Ruth is referring to the cochlear implants she received not six months ago — miracles of modern science that have allowed her to hear for the very first time in her life. But friends and family say she’s already over it.

“I just don’t understand,” says Ruth’s mother, Karen. “This is what she’s always longed for, only to find out she doesn’t like it?”

Her father, Carl Larson, is just as bewildered. “When her face lit up the first time she heard her mother’s voice, I can’t describe the joy I felt for her,” he says, choking back tears. “I’m sorry, I’m at a loss for words.”

“Ruth is totally free to do what she wants,” says Janice Buckley, Ruth’s best friend since childhood. “But yeah, she’s being a real bitch about this.”

Ruth says their feelings on the matter don’t concern her. “All anyone wants to do is play me their favorite music all the f***ing time. If I have to listen to one more Tame Impala song, I swear to God I’m doing the procedure myself,” says Ruth, who has already contacted her surgeon to inform him of her plans. “I thought sound was supposed to be this incredibly useful, wonderful thing. But honestly? I was fine for 27 years without it.” She’s currently waiting on approval from her health insurance provider to have the implants removed.

Some have called her ungrateful. Others say she’s brave.

“If you ask me, I think it’s pretty cool Ruth is doing what makes her happy,” says Scott Clancy, her uncle.

“But I really think if she just listens to the White Album she’ll change her mind.”

woman working girl sitting
Ruth Larson, hearing

Is it just the music? “No, it’s everything. Dogs barking, lawnmowers, commercials, people smacking their lips when they eat, people snoring, phone conversations on the bus, traffic. This morning I listened to someone blare their car horn for a solid 3 minutes because someone else cut them off. I mean, really? This is what everyone’s been rubbing in my face this whole time?” says Ruth, who is noticeably sleep-deprived.

“And what the f*** kind of name is ‘Ruth?'”

Despite her disappointment, Karen wants her daughter to choose her own path. “I will always love and support Ruth whether she can hear or not. She’s the one this decision affects, not us.” She pulls three Whitney Houston CDs out of her purse. “We’ll have to just stick with the classics. I can’t wait to listen to these with her.”

In recent days, Ruth’s story has begun to pick up steam on social media. With this, she’s gained several critics, all of whom point out that she could easily take the external processor off if she needs a break from the noise. Ruth isn’t having it. “As long as I have this thing in my head, people will still pester me. “‘Oh, this is important, just put them back on.’ Next thing I know I’m listening to their Soundcloud and being asked for ‘feedback.’ How does anyone put up with this for an entire lifetime?”

Needless to say, Ruth is looking forward to having peace and quiet again.

“When I don’t have to hear anyone anymore, I’ll be my normal, happy self again,” she says, clearly at the end of her rope.

“But for now, everyone just shut up.”

Sounds good, Ruth.

Fifth Grader Accidentally Discovers Ancient Texts Buried In Internet Forum

Fort Benton, MT — Ten-year-old Bryce Poulson made a big discovery last October, and it’s shaking things up in the archaeology world.

He first sensed something was different about the Batman fan forum he was browsing when he saw a yellow character with arms and legs dancing in one of the comments. It’s certainly not like any emoji he had seen before.

He never would have guessed that he had just stumbled across a 1.3 decade-old secret.

BROWSING THROUGH HISTORY

When his parents saw the archaic emoji, they knew it was special. It didn’t take long for the family to find itself at the center of a major excavation.

“I immediately called the Smithsonian,” says Mark Poulson, Bryce’s father. Behind him, scientists and historians alike are hard at work archiving the extensive comment thread, which spans a staggering twenty-seven pages. Many of the posts are dated as far back as early AD 2005.

“In all my years I’ve never seen a primitive emoji with such perfectly preserved appendages,” says Professor Arnold Emmanuel, Director of Anthropology at the University of California-Berkeley, who specializes in pre-YouTube civilizations.

“We’re only at page eleven and we’ve already uncovered two Myspace-era trolls.”

“They communicated just like us”

Among the others studying the site are paleographers Rashidi Masry and Daniel Chou of the University of Michigan, who have been instrumental in the ongoing effort to decipher the obscure writings.

Masry highlights a line of cryptic text. “Here they’re discussing the trailer for Batman Begins, which agrees with the timeline we have on record.”

“We just look at what the thread tells us and try to build a narrative,” says Chou. “For example, it derails here after one commenter mentions someone named Bush. From there we can say, ‘Okay, that must have been their leader.’”

That commenter, Bowling4SoupIsNo1, is especially remarkable, says Emmanuel.

He points to an image of a zebra poking its head in and out of frame next to the specimen’s comment. An incredibly rare GIF avatar. “That it still animates after all these years is impressive, to say the least.” To some this may seem insignificant, but archaeologists can learn quite a bit from such details.

“Given the funny zebra GIF, we can reasonably infer it was fond of animals behaving like people,” says the renowned anthropologist. “This is not inconsistent with the theory that even our earliest ancestors were idiots.”

THANKS, OBAMA

Emmanuel’s work is far from over, even after the site is fully documented. For him, there will always be another Bowling4SoupIsNo1 waiting to be found. His Holy Grail? The missing link.

“We share so many traits with these creatures, but the one key difference seems to be temperament. The evidence suggests they were generally happier,” he says. It’s uncertain what a missing link might look like, but Emmanuel believes his search will ultimately lead him to the first ironic “thanks obama” commenter. “I think that specimen would hold the answers to some of our greatest questions.

“It may even tell us why we are the way we are.”

As for Bryce, this has been a life-changing experience. Ever since that chilly October morning, he’s had dreams of following in Emmanuel’s footsteps. He can’t wait to get to work. Or, as he puts it, “I just want my computer back.”

Local Twin Enjoys Unusually Fair Treatment As Mother Mistakes Him For Her Favorite

Lexington — Once again mistaking Jeremy for his identical brother, stay-at-home Mom Betsy Wittleton granted him an unusually lenient bed time this week. “Either she’s easing up on me, or she thinks I’m Jesse,” says 7-year-old Jeremy Wittleton, who is usually subject to the unfair treatment his brother is receiving. “I’m just gonna ride this out.”

Sources say the confused mom’s harsh treatment of Jesse began Monday night after dinner. “When I saw her drop a scoop of the freezer-burned Breyer’s from the back of the freezer into Jesse’s bowl, I knew something was up,” Jeremy reports.

Jesse Wittleton has been known to receive special treatment from their mother; extended video game time, more dessert, no responsibilities – all privileges Jeremy goes without under normal circumstances. In fact, Jeremy is often disciplined without explanation. “Jesse is in my room for the night. Always nice to be on the other side of things for a change,” he reports.

“Oh s***! I can play on his computer!”

According to Jeremy, Jesse tried to reason with their mother, but she didn’t buy it. When reached for comment, she responded, “You know how many times I’ve heard that one? ‘Mom, I didn’t do it, I’m Jesse!'”

This certainly isn’t the first time. Last month she sat through over half of Jeremy’s soccer game before realizing it was Jesse she left in the car.

It’s been refreshing, but Jeremy knows the break from routine can only last as long as he keeps up the charade. “Eventually I’ll slip up and she’ll go back to folding his laundry again, instead of dumping it on the floor like she did today. For now though, he can handle a day or two of folding his own damn clothes.”

Jesse isn’t worried. “Dad’s been out of town for work, but he’ll straighten this out when he gets home,” he says confidently. But what if Dad mixes them up as well?

“Even better. Jeremy is his favorite.”

Nation’s Conspiracy Theorists Mourn Recent Death of Elvis Presley

Memphis, TN – It’s a warm, quiet afternoon at Graceland. The Sun sets on a somber gathering of Elvis Presley conspiracy theorists, who, when the daylight fades, begin their planned candlelight vigil while humming a slowed-down rendition of The King’s rock ‘n’ roll hit, “Hound Dog.” The men remove their tinfoil out of respect for their beloved idol. Elvis Presley has passed away by now, probably.

Elvis truthers of all ages, backgrounds and degrees of misguided paranoia have joined tonight at Elvis’ false gravesite to commemorate the almost-certainly-now-deceased musician. Even a few Elvis impersonators have made appearances, provoking double-takes everywhere they go.

“He was a legend,” says Lynn Davis, a fan who traveled from Arkansas to pay her respects. “From Jailhouse Rock all the way up through his so-called ‘posthumous releases.’” She looks at the 1977 date of death on the grave marker and scoffs sadly.

Nearby, a mother sits on a blanket with her children and a scrapbook, showing them blurry photos of Elvis in his later years. Behind them, a Tennessee man sharing the story of his encounter with the famous performer: “Chick-Fil-A, man, swear to Christ. Think what you want, I’m not f***ing crazy.”

The evening has come together quite well, despite concerns that the gathering was organized a bit late. Mark Burell, the creator of the Facebook event that brought everyone together, shrugs this off. “We did what we could. While most of us are pretty sure he died around last November, a few are saying it was definitely early-to-late August,” says Burell. “But we all agree that he has to be dead by now.

“I mean, the man was 83. Have you heard the kinds of things he ate?” Some even think drugs may have been involved. “I honestly can’t believe he made it as long as he did.”

BlessedElvisOfSouthMain
Elvis out for a walk – October 2014, for sure

There are still skeptics. A closed Facebook group was formed in response to Mark’s event, with members claiming that Elvis has faked his death a second time, and that the pop culture icon is still alive and well. Mark dismisses these people as “whack-jobs.”

As the evening draws to a close, the truthers pack up their things and quietly disperse. Mark is peaceful. “We didn’t come to grieve; we came to celebrate The King’s accomplished and mostly hidden life, which, after his government-engineered death in ’77, was kept out of the public eye so he could continue his work with the DEA in private. And that’s just what we did.”

The perfect sendoff for a legend.

At press time, Mark was planning similar events for Jimi Hendrix and Tupac Shakur, “since these things usually happen in threes.”