Intoxicated Vegan Orders Wellness Shots For Entire Juice Bar

Venice, CA — After a day of heavy drinking, reports say area vegan Lana Tripoli ordered a round of wellness shots for a crowd of twenty Juicecrafters patrons as they waited in line, making everyone’s day.

“She just stumbled in at 4:30 in the afternoon with a 6-pack of Angry Orchards, cut the line and yelled, ‘Wellness shots on me, bitches!'” reports Alex Reiner, the cashier who took her order. “She slammed her credit card down on the counter and everybody started cheering.”

“It was nuts, dude. She was up on the tables knocking back fusion blends like it was nothing, bro! You shoulda been there!” says Jonah Frye, who stopped into the café on a juice shuffle.

His friend Derek adds, “Trev is gonna have hella FOMO, dude. He’s fasting though so it’s cool.”

Juicecrafters employee Shawna Pierce says she wasn’t thrilled with Tripoli’s behavior, but allowed her to stay anyway. “She was being way extra. But then everybody was tipping us really well so, whatever.”

“We did have to yell at her when she reached over the counter and grabbed our hemp seeds. Started crushing them up with a razor, I was like nah,” says Reiner.

Reports say Tripoli was finally ushered out after trying to pick a fight with a vegetarian.

As of press time, Tripoli is passed out on the Venice boardwalk and covered in açaí, so someone should probably come get her.

Local Twin Enjoys Unusually Fair Treatment As Mother Mistakes Him For Her Favorite

Lexington — Once again mistaking Jeremy for his identical brother, stay-at-home Mom Betsy Wittleton granted him an unusually lenient bed time this week. “Either she’s easing up on me, or she thinks I’m Jesse,” says 7-year-old Jeremy Wittleton, who is usually subject to the unfair treatment his brother is receiving. “I’m just gonna ride this out.”

Sources say the confused mom’s harsh treatment of Jesse began Monday night after dinner. “When I saw her drop a scoop of the freezer-burned Breyer’s from the back of the freezer into Jesse’s bowl, I knew something was up,” Jeremy reports.

Jesse Wittleton has been known to receive special treatment from their mother; extended video game time, more dessert, no responsibilities – all privileges Jeremy goes without under normal circumstances. In fact, Jeremy is often disciplined without explanation. “Jesse is in my room for the night. Always nice to be on the other side of things for a change,” he reports.

“Oh s***! I can play on his computer!”

According to Jeremy, Jesse tried to reason with their mother, but she didn’t buy it. When reached for comment, she responded, “You know how many times I’ve heard that one? ‘Mom, I didn’t do it, I’m Jesse!'”

This certainly isn’t the first time. Last month she sat through over half of Jeremy’s soccer game before realizing it was Jesse she left in the car.

It’s been refreshing, but Jeremy knows the break from routine can only last as long as he keeps up the charade. “Eventually I’ll slip up and she’ll go back to folding his laundry again, instead of dumping it on the floor like she did today. For now though, he can handle a day or two of folding his own damn clothes.”

Jesse isn’t worried. “Dad’s been out of town for work, but he’ll straighten this out when he gets home,” he says confidently. But what if Dad mixes them up as well?

“Even better. Jeremy is his favorite.”