So-Called “Prophet” Predicts End Of World In 5 Billion Years

Washington, D.C. — In news reminiscent of 1999's Y2K panic and 2012's doomsday craze, yet another charlatan is making headlines for "predicting" the end times. This time, our own Sun — which is 93 million miles away, mind you — will be the culprit. "Data suggest our Sun will become a red giant toward the … Continue reading So-Called “Prophet” Predicts End Of World In 5 Billion Years

Mark Zuckerberg To Hackers: Recent Password Leak Wasn’t Real, So Don’t Bother Trying Any Of Them

Silicon Valley — In a formal statement to Facebook's userbase and shareholders, Mark Zuckerberg now insists that Facebook didn't actually store millions of users' passwords in readable format, and that their early-week disclosure of the mistake was "just part of the joke." "It was a fake list! Come on, of course we wouldn't store your logins … Continue reading Mark Zuckerberg To Hackers: Recent Password Leak Wasn’t Real, So Don’t Bother Trying Any Of Them

Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

Bed Bath & Beyond — Detailing the numerous benefits of negative ions or whatever, a recent report from The National Science and Technology Council says that a block of salt available for purchase at local retailers can improve your health, somehow. "What we understand, if we're getting the basic gist of it, is that this hollowed-out … Continue reading Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

Brush Fire Miracle: Area Smoker Relieved He Left Benedict Canyon When He Did

Los Angeles, CA — Frank Hernandez doesn't usually consider himself a lucky man. But when news broke of a brush fire spreading in the hills of Benedict Canyon, he couldn't help but feel grateful he left the area when he did. "Crazy, I was just up there," says the habitual smoker. "Sounds like I got out … Continue reading Brush Fire Miracle: Area Smoker Relieved He Left Benedict Canyon When He Did

Local Hero Saves Energy By Letting Someone Else Help That Guy

Manhattan, NY — David Haney is just your average American. He goes to work, comes home, cooks, cleans, and looks after his elderly mother. He's a busy man — which is why he didn't feel any compulsion to help that guy who was being mugged outside his apartment window Monday afternoon. "There's other people around," … Continue reading Local Hero Saves Energy By Letting Someone Else Help That Guy

Cargo Ship Wrecks And Spills Dish Soap In Bay, Wildlife Benefits From Three Times More Grease-Fighting Power

Pensacola, FL — A detergent spill from a sunken cargo ship is rapidly spreading, and authorities report that the local wildlife has never been cleaner. Witnesses watched in awe Monday night as a cruise liner broadsided a freighter filled with dish soap in the Pensacola Bay, destroying the latter vessel and spilling its contents. Over thirty … Continue reading Cargo Ship Wrecks And Spills Dish Soap In Bay, Wildlife Benefits From Three Times More Grease-Fighting Power

Burger Chain Assures Customers That Use Of The Word ‘Phresh’ In Slogan Is No Cause For Concern

Portland, OR — Portland-based food chain George's Burger Joint issued an official statement today reassuring customers that the ingredients they use are "basically the same" despite their new slogan, "Nothing but Phresh Beef." The statement, penned by CEO Felix Gunderson, reads: "In light of growing concerns over the quality of our ingredients, we at George's … Continue reading Burger Chain Assures Customers That Use Of The Word ‘Phresh’ In Slogan Is No Cause For Concern