Report: Area Rock Has Healing Properties Or Some Sh*t

Bed Bath & Beyond — Detailing the numerous benefits of negative ions or whatever, a recent report from The National Science and Technology Council says that a block of salt available for purchase at local retailers can improve your health, somehow. “What we understand, if we’re getting the basic gist of it, is that this hollowed-out salt chunk from the mountains can boost air quality, your mood, and other things, apparently,” says Dan Nguyen, the lead researcher on the study. “It works by, um…”

“I don’t know, it looks nice, I guess,” reports Lara Feldman, Director of Geosciences at UCLA.

Sources say they have heard from other sources that the craggy salt clod, when warmed by its internal lightbulb, does “something” to promote emotional well-being, though they were “a little foggy” on the actual science behind it. One University of Texas undergraduate student says, “My roommate seems to like hers, I guess. I’m sorry, it’s supposed to do something?”

Read: Inside The Himalayan Salt Mines Where Lamps Are Excavated

“Yeah, it’s simple,” says her roommate. “It’s hygro — hydroscope. Hydroscobotic? Sh*t, I don’t know. I never use it.”

Others praise the lamp for, something about allergies? Says Feldman: “Does it work? Possibly. Should you throw away your inhaler? I wanna say ‘no.'”

“Look, here’s what we can say for sure,” says Nguyen. “It’s made of salt, it has a lightbulb inside, it’s from the Himalayas apparently, you plug it in… and, uh… F*ck it, who cares?”

At press time, all of the scientists interviewed had bought two, “just in case.”

Brush Fire Miracle: Area Smoker Relieved He Left Benedict Canyon When He Did

Los Angeles, CA — Frank Hernandez doesn’t usually consider himself a lucky man. But when news broke of a brush fire spreading in the hills of Benedict Canyon, he couldn’t help but feel grateful he left the area when he did. “Crazy, I was just up there,” says the habitual smoker. “Sounds like I got out of there in the nick of time.”

Hernandez says he had coincidentally just taken a stroll through the Benedict Canyon neighborhoods earlier this afternoon. “Lots of pretty views up there. And the houses – sheesh,” he says of the area where firefighters are now racing to contain the massive blaze. “And to think, if I had stayed to finish that cigarette, I might’ve been caught in that.”

The LAFD says the cause is unknown.

As of 5 p.m. Tuesday, 75 homes had been evacuated since the first report at 2 p.m. near Portola Drive, and the blaze’s coverage was approaching 40 acres. “2 p.m.? Portola Drive?…”

“Wow. I literally just missed it,” Hernandez reports, flicking a smoldering cigarette butt into his flower bed.

Local Hero Saves Energy By Letting Someone Else Help That Guy

Manhattan, NY — David Haney is just your average American. He goes to work, comes home, cooks, cleans, and looks after his elderly mother. He’s a busy man — which is why he didn’t feel any compulsion to help that guy who was being mugged outside his apartment window Monday afternoon. “There’s other people around,” he said as he watched the assault.

The 31-year-old, who was just exhausted after chasing big clients at work all day, said he wasn’t indifferent to the victim’s plight; he was just confident that “it would get taken care of.” Sources say Haney surveyed his room for a whole twenty seconds before giving up on finding his phone. “I’m not the only guy in the world who knows how to dial 9-1-1.”

Direct intervention was also out of the question, which left Haney with no other option than to wait for someone more available to fend off the attacker. “What was I gonna do, yell out the window?” he reports, the image of a man being beaten within an inch of his life still fresh in his memory.

“I guess I just have faith in humanity.”

He was right to. Just as he was beginning to worry, another good samaritan came to Haney’s rescue, saving him from having to feel guilty. “See? He wasn’t in any real danger,” Haney said of the victim, who only sustained a broken nose, two black eyes, and a fractured rib. “Glad I didn’t get involved.”

A true hero.

At press time, David was avoiding going near the windows after making eye contact with the victim.

Yawning Puppy Successfully Quarantined

Los Angeles, CA — Local reporter and truth-teller Joe Kalavity had a scare this morning when dog and trusted Fluff News journalist Señor Fluffer began showing symptoms of sleepiness. Kalavity reports that the contagion has been successfully contained.

“I had to act fast to prevent further sleepiness as well as spread to others,” says Kalavity. “In this case, patient’s symptoms became apparent at 0800 hours during our morning walk. It was at this point that I immediately transferred him home, where he was put on isolated bedrest until further evaluation.

“At this time I can confidently report that the pupper’s sleepiness has been neutralized.”

close up of dog yawningDrowsy Puppy Syndrome is as common as it is contagious. Experts warn that it’s even communicable between species. “It’s hard to account for every case since most go unreported,” our source says. “But we believe it affects billions every year.”

In one notable breakout in 1908, one puppy’s yawn spread to over two hundred Chicagoans in a matter of hours. Historians call it “the cutest epidemic on record.”

cotton-tulear-2422617_1920

In addition to yawning, DPS is associated with symptoms of inactivity, lack of interest in play, stubbornness, circling in place, and involuntary nodding.

There aren’t many viable options for prevention. As stated on the CDC’s website: “What are we gonna do, tell you to not look at yawning puppies?”

When reached for comment, a representative from the CDC said, “Look, if you’re that worried about it, just drink a sh*tload of coffee.”

They added, however, that the best option is “to not fight it.”

At press time, Kalavity was showing signs of DPS. He is currently on bedrest with Señor Fluffer.

 

Cargo Ship Wrecks And Spills Dish Soap In Bay, Wildlife Benefits From Three Times More Grease-Fighting Power

Pensacola, FL — A detergent spill from a sunken cargo ship is rapidly spreading, and authorities report that the local wildlife has never been cleaner.

Witnesses watched in awe Monday night as a cruise liner broadsided a freighter filled with dish soap in the Pensacola Bay, destroying the latter vessel and spilling its contents. Over thirty thousand gallons of premium dish soap have already gushed from the open hull, resulting in heavy sudsing — the likes of which have never been seen in Florida’s history. First responders armed with microfiber sponges are racing against time to make sure it doesn’t go to waste.

“You can really smell the 100% real citrus extracts at work,” reports Ryan Cudahy of the soap’s deep-cleaning technology. Cudahy was one of the first volunteers from the International Wildlife Refuge Center (IWRC) on the scene after the violent collision. In the hours following the spill, hundreds more volunteers have mobilized at the shoreline to take in the revitalizing aroma of the Tropical Moonlight Breeze® that has coated the waters, as well as the one-hundred and twenty species inhabiting them.

The incident has had a heavy impact on local businesses, who say the fast-moving cleanser is taking a devastating toll on dirt and tough stains. Commercial fisherman Ed Dyer reports, “Our usual haul is filthy, but this new triple action formula cuts through the grime and leaves our catch sparkling and fresh.”

Pensacola’s rich ecosystem includes seabirds, turtles, crustaceans, and even sharks and dolphins. Experts say all are at risk of severe deodorization.

photo of a turtle underwater

“It’s such a tragedy,” says Judy Dollive, Director for the IWRC. “I think about all the animals that really need a deep clean like this, but there’s just not enough grease-fighting power for every beach.” She is still determined to do what she can for the wildlife here.

“It’s all we can do.” For now, that’s enough.

At press time, an underwater plume of detergent a mile wide was traveling east toward Panama City. Officials are really hoping it gets there.